October 30, 2003

Not so good

Oh, God, I feel awful. I'm cracking up, I know it.

I went to Benny and Gail's cabin yesterday. I had to go and see. The things that Bitch Queen posted, I had to see if they were there. If they were okay. I was so drunk I almost couldn't walk. Everything was moving. The trees wouldn't stand still. And they were grabbing me. Branches snagged me, scraped me. There was no sound except me and the noise of the wind in the trees. I kept falling. My hands are so messed up I am typing with two fingers. The forest hates me, I could feel it. I could hear the trees laughing at me. Fucked up drunk falling through the woods. God, it was awful. What was the booze and what wasn't? I don't know any more.

I made it to their cabin. They aren't there. The boat is gone. Like it should be cause they were going into the park. But there was blood on the dock. I think it was blood. It was brown and flaky. Could it be from the fish we cleaned? I don't remember. There was a lot of it there. Does fish blood get brown like that? I don't know any more. I want to go home.

I walked back to the cabin. My head was clear after seeing the dock. Like the alcohol just left my system, leaving an axe through the middle of my head as a parting gift. God my head hurts.

I was still stumbling though I didn't feel drunk any more. I tripped over roots and rocks. Half the time I was crawling. I had to get out of those woods. I felt them pressing against me, wanting me, waiting for me to give up. And something watching. Movement out of the corner of my eye. Always there, never seen. Tracking me. Playing with me.

I panicked and ran. I lost the lake. I panicked more and just ran until I fell again and then curled up in a ball because I felt the watcher coming now. The trees were breathless, they knew that the climax was coming, that I was done for.

And then it stopped. I wasn't being watched, hunted, any more. It was gone. I could physically feel the anger and disappointment around me. The forest had been robbed, I wasn't finished.

The terror was still in me. I still felt the palpable hate all around. But there was something else too. A center, a strength that got me back on my feet and walking again. The panic was gone and I walked straight back to the cabin. I don't know how I knew where it was, I just walked and got here. And then I went into a closet and curled back into a ball and passed out.

This morning I'm a mess. My clothes are tatters. I've got cuts and scratches everywhere. My left eye is swollen so bad I can't see out of it. The generator doesn't work. The boat motor doesn't work. I can't even think of walking in the forest again. I've got maybe a couple hours of power left in the cabin batteries.

I know what's going to happen if I don't finish the story. The owners will send someone down to close up the cabin for the winter a couple weeks after I'm supposed to have left and they'll find me gibbering in a corner or dead. I can't leave, I'm not allowed to.

But I don't know what will happen if I do finish the story and that scares me even more. Do I have more chances? If I just let the batteries drain out now will I get another chance to charge them up? Is it now or never? I can't decide. I don't even know if I'm sane any more.

I hope that was just fish mess on the dock.

Posted by Charles at October 30, 2003 09:02 AM

OK, at first I was worried about even commenting here, lest I get a troll of my own (then realized that I reveal all anyway, so there is nothing to hold on me). But now I think that perhaps you are having us on. You are either brilliantly creative and just in time for Halloween or else I know of some wonderful psychotropic drugs I can recommend.

Or else you have met my ex. This pretty much matches his M.O.

Posted by: Helen at October 30, 2003 10:41 AM
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