Writer's Noose

A Pinch of Courage

I cracked open the Pinch. For those of you who are not scotch drinkers, it is a very nice scotch. Not snobby scotch, but the finest of the "regular folk can afford this once in a while" scotches. For those of you who are scotch drinkers - nanny nanny boo boo, I'm having Pinch and you aren't. Hehehehe.

It was supposed to be my celebration bottle for when I was done writing but I think we can pretty much screw that plan, don't you? As the level in the bottle decreases, my woeful mood increases. Except for the sadness part. I miss Becky so much. All this crap, the drunken ramblings, the psycho troll from hell, all of it. It has really brought it all home. And I just really miss her.

So I'm going to finish the story. Not for you, you psychotic bitch from hell! It's for Becky, because I owe it to her and for me because I deserve it.

What have I told you about Becky? Can't remember at the moment so pardon me if I repeat things. Becky was absolutely gorgeous. Not in a drop dead bombshell sort of way, like a supermodel or something like that. She was exotic and filled with a presence that absolutely dominated a room. Her dad is a full blooded Iroquois and her mom is Irish. Odd match, that. Especially when Mr. Longcloud is a tribal elder and Mrs. Longcloud is a devout catholic. But man, oh man, did they mix up one hell of a daughter. Daughters, I should say. She has two sisters who are just as hot. And no, they aren't available. And she has a brother who will shoot you if you bother them.

Becky wasn't catholic but she was christian. She had a problem with the catholic church. Too much rules, not enough love, she always said. But she did take the Bible as gospel and followed it according to her own interpretation of it. She was also a spiritualist and a disciple of her indian religious heritage. I never quite figured out how that all worked together. I figured that the two were pretty much mutually exclusive but she didn't see it that way.

She was a lawyer, like her mom. She turned down more jobs than you could shake a stick at after she graduated from college and returned to Cattaraugas to use her degree representing the tribe. That's close to Buffalo, NY, by the way. That's just the sort of person she was. She wasn't sacrificing anything, as far as she saw. She was doing what she wanted to do. It just happened that, with Becky, what she wanted to do was just about always for somebody else's benefit.

Then came me, and the things I wrote about before. Before our separation I did not have a very good relationship with her family. Things were always polite but strained between us. I don't know why, but after we got back together things got much better with her family. I figured that it would be even worse, seeing as we had been estranged for half a year. I was wrong though. The next time I saw her dad he gave me a bear hug and called me "son". I felt welcome in the Longcloud household. It was great.

And, like I said before, we went through the next two years in a mostly blissful relationship. We moved in together (which her mother was not overly happy about but eventually accepted) in a house we rented in Pendleton. That was about midpoint between my job at the Buffalo News and her office in Clarence.

And I'm rambling now. Fuzzy from the Pinch or just leary of taking this confession where it needs to go? Time to cut to the chase, as they say.

The one thing we fought over regularly was the future. I wanted us to be married. The sooner the better. Her mom was (predictably) on my side here. She saw marriage as a joining of two spirits as well as two people and she didn't think our spirits were enough in synch to do that yet (Remember what I said about her being a christian spiritualist). This both confused and angered me. She would get frustrated trying to explain it and end up just saying that she wasn't ready. She loved me but wasn't ready for marriage.

Her father understood and tried to explain it to me several times. He said that she loved me but she wasn't mature enough to marry me yet. This confused and angered me as well. Becky was a riot of fun but she had priorities and she kept them. She was a no nonsense, cut throat, pirranha of a lawyer. She never shirked a responsibility and never ever left somebody hanging. Immature? She was the most mature person I knew. He said it wasn't like that. Yes, she was a very mature person but her spirit was immature. She had much learning and experiencing to do before she was bound by marriage. Confusion. Anger.

Most of our fights were small and very far between. We never went to bed angry. But once in a while my patience would wear out and I'd argue for real. If you love me then why won't you marry me? We're living together just like man and wife, what's the problem? You say you want me and only me for the rest of your life but you won't commit to me. Our last fight was one like that, only worse. It was on New Year's Eve when we had gotten home from a friend's party. Something set me off, probably seeing our married friends together or something like that. I was brutal. I gave her an ultimatum. Marry me or I was leaving.

I see by the dimming lights that I am just about out of juice so I'll upload this now. If I finish before the power goes off I'll post the rest.

Posted by Charles at October 30, 2003 12:22 PM