October 31, 2003

The end of the story

I wrote this yesterday but didn't have any juice left to run the sattelite. Here it is now. Continued from here.

She said no, she wouldn't marry me. She cried and begged me not to leave. I can't even describe what I was feeling. There was an ice cold rod at the center of my being that sent shivering bolts through me. I couldn't control my shaking. I was furious, over the top furious. I felt rejected, played with, unloved. At the same time I knew that she loved me more than anything in the world. The dichotomy was a spear straight through the tattered shreds of my heart. I couldn't stand it. I left.

I got in my car and drove off. I went to Niagara Falls. I don't know why. That place is loaded with memories of us together and it should have been the last place on earth I would have gone to. I rented a room and stayed in it for two days. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, I didn't sleep. I just sat there and stared into space. Broken.

The next day I came out of my stupor. I cleaned up, went out, ate, walked the Hill. I bought some booze and went back to my room. By early evening I was pretty buzzed. I decided to go out and live a little. I went to a couple of bars but they were too hoppy, too party, and they annoyed the hell out of me. I ended up at one of the strip clubs. I was blasted by this time.

I hooked up with a stripper and brought her back to my hotel. I was stumbly drunk but she got me up to my room. And then she got just plain got me up. It took her a good bit of effort too as I had serious alcohol dick. I don't remember much of it. I just sort of laid there while she performed on me. I was spaced out from the booze and just from my situation. Eventually she got frustrated enough that she left.

The next morning I woke up to one of those headaches I've become so familiar with over the past few days here. The phone was blinking, meaning that there was a message for me. That was odd as I hadn't told anybody where i was. I ignored it and took a shower and got dressed. I decided that I was going back. This running away was stupid. I had thrown my little tantrum and it had solved nothing. Net result, a blitzer of a headache and several days of misery. As I was leaving the room I saw the phone again with its little red light blinking. I pressed the button to retrieve the message.

"Chuck, I'm coming to see you. Please don't leave. I was wrong. You were right. I love you and I do want to marry you. Please don't leave. I'm driving down right now. I'll be there in an hour and a half. I love you!"

The message envelope played after the message was complete. It had been left the previous night right about the time I was stumbling down the Hill with my stripper.

Oh, God. Becky called and I missed it! I was out drinking myself blind and I missed the most important phone call of my life. Why didn't she call on my cell phone?

Because Chuckie had turned the cell phone off days ago when he ran away from home.

She must have spent hours calling hotels and motels all over the place. Days maybe. Until she found me. Thank God I hadn't registered with a phony name.

But she called last night so where was she? She must have gotten here and the desk wouldn't tell her what room I was in. But she would have left a message with the desk to tell me she was here and where I could find her. She probably checked in here! I ran down to the desk and asked for my messages. There weren't any. None? Are you sure? Absolutely sure, sir. They get logged in the computer. Has Rebecca Longcloud checked in? No, sir. Try Becky Longcloud. No, sir. Nobody has checked in since 4pm yesterday. Fuck!

I ran back up to my room and grabbed the cell phone. What a dumbass to not think of that first. I could just call Becky on her cell. I dialed. It rang a while and then went to her voice mail. I hung up and called right back again. It rang a few times and then her mother answered.

Mrs. Longcloud? Is Becky there?

Chuck? Is that you Chuck?

Yes. May I speak with Becky please? It's very important.

Oh, Chuck. Oh, God, Chuck. There's been an accident...

On the road late at night, driving alone, tired, excited, sad, maybe terrified, Becky lost control of her car. The weather was nasty but not that nasty. Becky's lived in the area for her entire life. She knows how to drive in Buffalo weather. She's driven that route more times that I can count. But she lost control. On a straight road.

Her car went down an embankment and into Silver Creek, which was bloated from snow melt. She wasn't too injured, just a broken arm and a concussion. Just enough so she couldn't get herself out of the car as it slowly filled up with freezing water.

As I was being diddled by a Canadian stripper, the love of my life was bleeding and freezing to death, trapped and terrified as her car turned into an icy tomb.

I killed Becky, just as surely as if I had put a gun against her head and pulled the trigger. She told me what would happen. She knew what would happen if I was with another woman. But it was worse than that. You see, it wasn't "if" for her, it was "when".

At the wake her father told me about it. During our separation she had gone deep into the mysteries. She was looking for an answer. Her father cautioned her against it telling her that she must make life decisions based on life experiences. Spirits were not there to act as omens. Even if she found an answer it would most likely not be to the question she was asking.

She went anyway. The spirit walk practiced by the Iroquois is a demanding thing. It involves long fasting, exposure and imbibing certain substances that could probably have gotten her disbarred if it became known. He monitored her for 7 days, he said, until she finally came out of her trance. She was very depressed and weak, but this isn't at all unusual after such a spirit walk. Under his ministrations she came around in a couple of days and told him a bit about her walk.

She said that she had a choice. She had two paths, one with me and one without. The path without me was frightful and she couldn't bring herself to walk it. It was dark and unknown. But the other path was shown to her. She said that if she chose me that she would be loved and be in love for all of her days. This was why there was such a turnaround in the way her family got along with me. They knew that i loved Becky and that I always would.

But there was another part of that spirit walk that she didn't tell her father or anybody else except me. You see, that path was shown to her right to the end. It showed her that she would die and that death would be marked by my being with another woman. Before she took me back she knew that I would betray her and cause her death and she chose to live and die with me anyway!

Oh, Becky, you fantastic fool! Why did you pick me? Oh, God, why?

And that's about it for my story. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I know that you all must hate me now and that's okay. You can't possibly hate me more than I hate myself.

Posted by Charles at October 31, 2003 11:05 AM

Chuck--snap out of it! You are giving yourself too much credit, here. People make their own choices, and a lot of times they make the wrong one. Heck, it's been my experience that every choice looks like the wrong one in hindsight. If you want to blame anyone, blame Becky for her commit-o-phobia....if she'd said yes, she wouldn't have been driving that night...

Posted by: Susie at October 31, 2003 11:30 AM
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